I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
