Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
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