I will die if light touches me.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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