I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
