Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I intend to get homeless drunk
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
