then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
as a side note pls kill me
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
