I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
