she was so not down for the gang bang
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
