Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
