When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
