Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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