I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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