She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
