the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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