I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
