just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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