"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
