I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
