Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
