id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
