it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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