Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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