The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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