I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
