Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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