i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
