I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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