Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
