last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
how do you play pong handcuffed?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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