Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
