that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
