The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
