# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
