If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
