i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
