I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
