piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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