Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Randomize
