i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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