Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He did a backflip because drugs
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
