I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
