i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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