I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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