Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You ruined the universe
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
