the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
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