I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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