I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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