I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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