Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
