i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
